I Want Candy: Going Undercover As Sugar Babies on the Internet

Written by Samantha York & Charlotte Jones

A successful man dating a younger, beautiful woman is nothing new. Nor is him buying her gifts and going on exotic vacations anything out of the ordinary. But, as with all things, as we usher into the digital space that is seemingly more prevalent than actual reality, coupled with a hyper-sexualized culture, the aforementioned notion is also changing drastically. Now, young girls can find a wealthy man by merely creating a profile on a website, and with a few swipes, find themselves sitting across from him, ordering maki rolls at a dimly lit restaurant. But how has this fast-paced, sex-driven culture changed their experience? Are they the real-life Vivian Wards? Short answer: absolutely not. But, we’ll get to that.

On one rather dull Wednesday evening, we sprawled over the couch and pulled out our phones, finally deciding to test what we had been wondering: what exactly does being a sugar baby entail? Our reserved curiosity and thorough naivete with regard to “sugaring” (and mild fear) made us the perfect test subjects. We wanted to know what men were truly looking for, and if the lengths women go in order to make money are actually worth it for those who are willing. 

We signed up for the most well-known website within the sugar baby zeitgeist: Seeking (formerly Seeking Arrangements). Immediately, the home page typifies gender roles, writing “what does it mean to start dating up?” followed by the titles “I am successful” with an arrow pointing to a photo of a man in a suit and “I am attractive” indicating to a sultry brunette. It clearly suggests that men are solely good for their money and women their youth and attractiveness. It’s slightly shocking to see in a day in age wherein seemingly everything in society is an argumentation about how we need to eradicate gender norms. And furtherly, the notion that women claim empowerment by being on these sites which do nothing but fuel gendered stereotypes and epitomize everything feminism is attempting to dismantle is ludicrous. Alas, we digress. No one is here for sociopolitical rantings about the hypocrisy that is the twenty-first century. You’re here for the good stuff, like did a man really want to pay to be kicked in the balls (short answer: yes). 

Seeking visually appears like any other dating app–a sea of rectangular photos with men’s (fake) names, ages, and statistical facts about themselves. Only, these profiles also include net worth and yearly income. However, it is unclear how these are verified. Men of all ages are on the site, but most are 40+ and have aged rather like a cheap Malbec. Usually, they only have a few photographs, if any at all. And others lock them, which means they can grant you access if they deem you good-looking enough to message with. 

Within only two minutes of creating the profile, Nikki, as we called her, already had six messages. All of them were iterations of the same text with vague terms like “mutually beneficial,” “casual,” and “new experiences.” Most men also can’t bother with sending more than a few exchanges, shelling out their WhatsApp numbers instead, or bluntly suggesting a meet-up. They also first message with a pre-written text clearly copy-and-pasted to every girl they speak to. We tried, however, to tease out the real reasons they’re on Seeking, and what they actually want. It may seem quite obvious, but in fact, the media has portrayed sugar babies to be something they are not. The assumption is that they have long-term relationships with one or a few men, being gifted Chanel double-flap bags, Louboutins, and wads of cash for stimulating conversation, and later, the eventual sexual encounters. Of course, there are outliers and exceptions, but for the average sugar baby, that is not the case. Really, it’s just escorting with a cuter name. With the common pay-per-meet (abbreviated as PPM), wherein sex is implied and courting is not. 

Why don’t they just get Tinder? Charlotte asks, over my shoulder as we gawk at my phone screen. It’s because the men want casual, “no-strings-attached” relationships where the girls know the deal upfront. They’re willing to doll out a not-so-generous “allowance” in exchange for company and sex, or the website-preferred term—intimacy. Most men seem to travel for work and don’t want any real commitment. Some are looking for sugar babies to satiate their unique sexual appetites. And others, of course, are just plain married.

One man had a refreshingly funny and lighthearted biography, and even surprisingly stated he was “not looking for intimacy”. Scroll down, however, and you learn why. He was on Seeking for the sole purpose of finding a girl willing to kick him in the balls for an hour a few times a month (whilst preferably wearing Converse). In messaging him, he asked us–or rather Nikki–“Thoughts on my ball-kicking profile?”. Of course, we played along but told him sadly we do not own a pair of Converse. “Do you have Vans or over-the-knee boots?” he queried in response (two very different types of footwear). “Over-the-knee boots. Not a Vans fan,” we informed him. “Leather or suede ones? May I see?”. When asked how much kicking a man was going for these days, he subsequently responded with a £100 per-meet proposition… how enticing. If you ask us, that is staggeringly low to meet a stranger in a hotel room and kick him in the dick whilst wearing very lovely suede boots. What if I break a heel? Charlotte asked, scandalized. Another “successful” sent us his pre-packaged essay about what he was looking for. After a few exchanges, we told him that we only wanted emotional intimacy and not physical. He immediately proceeded to block us. Thirdly, one very precocious man wanted to lick his sugar baby’s shoes. Maybe we could kill two birds with one stone? 

However, most men want a casual, sexual relationship where they go for dinner with their sugar baby a few times a month. He doesn’t buy her gifts but is willing to give her £1,000 per month. For having sex, that number is actually extremely low when you quantify it as a per-meet proposition. Most say “We can figure out a mutually beneficial arrangement after the first meeting”, but others put all the cards on the table whilst messaging beforehand, indicating that this price has become a rather standard mean. Similarly, many men offer to fly their sugar babies to meet them wherever in the world they happen to be on business. Although this may sound like a lavish proposal, the sugar baby is expected to stay with them for at least a week for a meager exchange of funds when broken down into a daily rate, considering that sexual intimacy is almost always expected. It is understandable, however, that some students and women new to the workforce supplement their income with sugaring. Seeking even automatically verifies an account set up with a university email. 

Gone, it seems, are the days of Pretty Woman, wherein an attractive and polished businessman is showering an escort (or sugar baby if you will) with lavish diamonds and clothes. Instead, the online culture has facilitated an equally transactional sugaring experience. Men pay-per-meet, almost always including sex, and the price seems to be constantly decreasing as more women seek the sugar baby lifestyle. The over-saturated market, coupled with sites like OnlyFans, and of course, the dwindling, but still possible, in-person encounters with a 22-year-old undergrad and a 40-something cigar connoisseur who meet at a hotel bar, it appears there are too many girls looking for an arrangement where the line between sex and relationship is blurry. However, it seems as though most of them do not fully understand that it is much less nowadays about actually having conversation at a pricey restaurant, and more about what happens in the room upstairs. The undeniable slimy nature of the app, in its unapologetically forward nature, equating money and sex was so sobering in that we were talking to real people, we rushed to delete it later, fearing a man was going to come knocking on my door. Though dating apps can often feel like some sort of postmodern game, there are in fact real people with real motivations behind the profiles. And, unfortunately, like all things, sugaring has too become a mechanism to simply satiate instant-gratification needs and abandon any form of actual intimacy. We now live in a world where conversation has been replaced by Converse.