Notes on A Series of Unfortunate Dates

A Concerned Follow-Up By Devaki Jayal

A few months ago, I wrote a piece on some of the most unpleasant dates I have been on. I had written this with levity so as to document the slight absurdity of my life. But I certainly didn’t anticipate some of the conversations it provoked with acquaintances, and um… adult men? I felt I was therefore morally obligated to share some of these responses, so here are my points to note.  

Point #1: The Backpack 

An aspect of what I wrote that was terrifyingly rejected in its validity as an ‘ick’ was when I noted that The Comedian had his backpack on during our date, and he was holding the straps. It is important to note that it is strictly men who have expressed their personal confusion at the ick potency of this (of course). To be completely honest, that sends chills down my spine. I must admit I have seen several of these men – including, shamefully, friends of mine engaging in this…practice. I just want to ask: Why do you have a backpack on a date? Where are you going? And pray, tell, why are you holding the straps?

Laïs, my flatmate and best friend, says this wouldn’t give her the ick. I retell, in more detail, “Laïs, he walks in, hands gripping the straps of his bag...” But then again, the visual of a guy being spun around by his barber to face the mirror after a haircut doesn’t give her the ick either, so her opinion lacks credibility.  “Non, ça me donne pas the ick,” she says, adding, “but I don’t get interested in the first place.” Oops.  

But, as someone I most recently went on a date with pointed out, people traveling from work to said date, or back to work afterward, can be exempt. That’s ok. You’re fine. Also, he deserves a little shoutout because he read the article before we met and, having observed the ruthless commentary that runs through my head on these dates, was not cowed. Brave.  

Point #2: You’re Not Above It 

I’ve had so many guys tell me they found this article funny, all while holding my gaze with the sleazy “aha I’m so slick I’m devoid of ick” look. Um, sir, I regretfully must inform you that your relentless Snapchat stories on yachts in Monaco aren’t cute either.  

Point #3: I’m Quite Lenient  

People have told me I'm “too hard on guys”. Did you not read the bit when I was on the date with The Comedian, and I said I decided against running away?! I think I have demonstrated incredible graciousness and kindness. I’ve become extremely skilled at speech that is entirely unpropelled by a single iota of thought (impressive!) because forgive me, I don’t have anything substantial to add to your two-hour retelling of the ‘lads trip’ you embarked on.  

My dad once told me that he used to get the impulse to stand up and start shouting curse words during opera shows because he was so incredibly bored. This seems to be hereditary because when my mind reaches the levels of under-stimulation that some of these dates incite, I am possessed by the urge to 1) break into tap dance 2) start doing cartwheels, and 3) wave my arms like one of those wiggly humanoid blowups outside car dealerships. It’s really quite dire.  

The point is, I'm not too hard on guys. No one who likes men is hard on them. Even as I write this, someone at the table next to me just told her friend, “I mean he's creepy, but not super creepy, but I guess it gave me the ick.” We’re so conditioned by their overall terribleness, that the bar is six feet under.  

I asked my ex-boyfriend what he thought about my inclinations, to which he said, “you may have typically unconventional standards (I’m sorry, it’s not unconventional to ask for NO BACKPACK), but not in a way that makes you picky or anything.” I’m glad he's self-aware… 

Although he then added, “I would say the same thing about myself.” Oh.  

Point #4: Who Gave Me the Right?  

Look, I get it okay. I nitpick a little. After all, no one’s perfect. I’m sure I’ve bored someone on a date before (my bounding intellect can be alienating). But seriously, this is obviously all said with an undercurrent of jest. It’s not very grave, and it’s okay if upon reading this you’ve realized that you’re a Backpack Boy. 

Well… 

Point #5: Further Reading 

I have come across some great resources recently, that are extremely informative on the Ick Type. I am quite fond of Jack Joseph, who makes fabulous videos. For your enjoyment, and education: POV You’re Dating the Walking Ick.

Lastly, for all those of you who have very sweetly said that you enjoyed the article, I want to regretfully inform you that it is the first and last dates article you’ll be getting from me. The first one was needed to alert men to their various…quirks. But as for the future, I think maybe I should give men a chance.  

Kidding, never. But maybe I should be a little discreet? 

Sigh, as Laïs says on icky men, “sadly, c’est la vie.”