The Mistress Always Spanks Twice

Kinks, dominance, and London’s fetish scene: the real women behind the latex 

Written by Natalie Walsh

PHOTOGRAPHY BY NONOTHINGINC

Having seen dominatrixes in latex corsets and lace-up thigh-high boots sporting paddles and red lipstick on television screens, I only understood the filmic reconstructions of BDSM. And, vaguely aware of the New York City dungeons of midtown Manhattan, my knowledge of the dominatrix profession was diluted at best. That is why I sought out, like many eager men, the websites of London’s best–yet with a slightly different motivation. 

A few emails later, and I find myself, on an early-spring morning, air wrought with mildew and abrasive winds, in a café in south London. Fairy lights hang from the ceiling, with potted plants nonchalantly resting atop wall-mounted bookshelves. It is a far cry from the moody red light and hanging leather hammock one imagines when conjuring the image of a dominatrix’s dungeon. The place fits only four tables, our knees almost knocking on the couch as I sip my hot chocolate. Mistress Wildfire crosses her legs, tight leather pants tucked into black boots. She sits straight-backed, long blonde hair strewn over her shoulders. She tells me how, seven years ago, she began working as a dominatrix as a second job in order to pay off her master's degree loans. A year later, she had taken it on full-time and began operating out of her own studio. When I first ask her why she became a dominatrix, she surprisingly responds with the straightforward and commonly-applicable, “The fact that I didn’t have a boss, I was running my own business, and the hours were flexible,” she laughs, “I mean, obviously, I love the work too. I love what I do for a living.” 

Mistress Adreena had a similar entrance into dominatrixing, first straddling two professions before moving into the space as her primary occupation. In her whipped-cream smooth accent, she explains, “I was a pastry chef, and dom-ing happened completely accidentally. I started modeling and performing in the kink scene when I was 17, and I later realized what I was doing in my free time I could get paid for. For a while, I was doing both, but then I got so much work dom-ing I had to make a decision. I could either give up my health and time for basically no money, or I could do what I love for more money, and it was no contest.” When I ask her what she loves about her work, she smiles and admits, “It sounds really wanky, but helping other people. Knowing that you can completely change someone’s life when you help them accept themselves, accept what they spend their entire lives repressing. And then they meet someone who feels it too and celebrates it and encourages how they feel. To be able to play, though it’s not all fun, it’s supreme.” We sit in a pub filled with older, disheveled men. The kind of place with peeling red paint, wherein after a few pints, they roll up their sleeves and share war stories. So perhaps this was, in retrospect, the most fitting place for us to pull off our coats and for Mistress Adreena to tell me the story of her 17-year reign of the London fetish scene. She specializes in psychological domination, figuring out what makes men tick (I had to restrain myself from asking her to teach me her ways). She explains that she exploits these psychological understandings in order to heighten the play experience. She, too, owns her own studio, named Inanna after one of the most important deities of ancient Mesopotamia. She is both the goddess of sexual love, beauty, and fertility and the goddess of war. 

Contrary to popular pre-conceived notions, it is not merely whips and women shoving the heel of their boot into a man’s chest. Nor is it simply them chastising him for the size of his appendage or calling him a loser. It’s about intimate connection, understanding, and mutual consent. When asked why men go to see her, Mistress Wildfire explains that inhabiting a submissive space allows for an “absolution from responsibility”, and is, at its core, about escapism. She compares “playtime” to yoga and meditation. She states that she always keeps clients “very engaged” so that they disassociate from their daily lives and are completely immersed in the erotic experience. It is also about the necessity of a safe place to explore their kinks without judgment. Often it is difficult to find a dominant woman to engage in a sexual relationship. Many women, in Mistress Wildfire’s opinion, are not interested in such kinks. So men seeking to satisfy their overwhelming fetishes seek a dominatrix to satiate their needs. As both women put it, kinkiness is woven into the fabric of one’s personhood, and there is no possibility to excise or change it. So to indulge in their kink with someone equally as enthused about BDSM offers a sense of freedom. Ironically, yes, bondage provides unrestraint. 

That is also why, Mistress Adreena explains, her “girlfriend experience” demeanor is so appealing to the men who see her–they are seeking someone who understands them and is willing to sympathize with not only their kinky appetite but any issues in their daily lives that may be afflicting them. Mistress Wildfire also outlines the difference between being disagreeable and being dominant, “My slaves will sometimes ask me, ‘Mistress, why are you so pleasant?’ and I say to them, ‘What is the opposite of pleasant? Unpleasant. Do you want your Mistress to be unpleasant?’ How is that going to help you create an intimate connection if the person is genuinely unpleasant? A good dominatrix has a positive personality so that they can engage with their clients on a human level, and then you’ve got the play. And once you have their trust, you can give them as much pain as possible, and humiliate them to any degree. But underneath that, they must know what kind of person you are for real.” Neither woman, therefore, adopts a persona in their work, citing that because being a dominatrix is about forming genuine connections with their submissives, becoming a character would negate the authentic experience. In addition, they explain that it would be too psychologically taxing to constantly differentiate between two personalities. And, thirdly, Mistress Wildfire bluntly states that it would simply “be too boring to pretend to be someone else”. The trouble is, some dominatrixes suffer from what she coins Domintis, wherein they acquire inflated egos, believing that men are there to serve them and take their dominance into their interpersonal relationships. 

Another common misconception about kinks is that they develop over time. This is, realistically, not the case. They tell me that one is born with a kink, or it stems from such early childhood it is difficult to differentiate or to pinpoint its origins. They both offer similar examples, citing that “perhaps they watched a Catwoman film,” or “were tied up and that excited them, or a girl bullied them, and that turned them on. It doesn’t mean that is necessarily the catalyst, but it is when they first acknowledged their kinkiness.” Mistress Adreena makes one thing clear: trying to unravel why one possesses certain kinks is futile and will only drive one mad. Mistress Wildfire expands that, though kinks are possessed by individuals since childhood, they are not intrinsically interwoven within their daily personality; in her opinion, “very few men are naturally submissive in their daily lives. Normally, it is only the expression of sexuality within environments that are conducive to it.” That is, again, why the dom-sub space is so essential for individuals exploring their kinks.    

The women in the sex industry I have spoken to, regardless of their specific profession, all say the same thing: there is no stereotype for the men that seek their services. But, mid-conversation, I lean in, eyebrows raised, and ask Mistress Adreena, is that really true? And her response: not exactly. Finally, someone was giving me a more detailed picture. She explained that contrary to popular cultural depictions, they are younger than people expect–18 to mid-30s. “They’re not lawyers, bankers, and judges. I wish they were,” she laughs. “They’re young creatives with an expendable income.” Unlike the portrayal in films and television, the clients aren’t necessarily high-profile men of power desperately trying to keep their dirty little secrets hidden. Mistress Wildfire had a different response, however. She told me that some men who come see her are high-positioned men in finance. “They want a place where they can be submissive because in their life they are always the dominant ones.” 

As she tells me about psychological domination, a thought occurs to me. “Do the subs ever try to dominate, as in they try to manipulate you psychologically?” To my surprise, this happens so frequently there is a name for it: topping from the bottom. “They claim to be submissive”, she says as she adjusts the silk scarf tied around her jeans, “but are actually control freaks, and they try to control everything that a dominatrix does. A lot of people, even if they want to, cannot let go of control. There is a lot of strength in giving it up.” There are, in fact, names for all different types of submissives. Brats are those who love to push their dom’s buttons and break the rules of a scene. “Part of their fetish is to act out, to be difficult and naughty,” explains Mistress Adreena with an air of spirited annoyance, “but I like my slaves broken in and well behaved, disciplined.” Switches, as the designation suggests, are those who are both submissive and dominant, and ‘switch’ during a scene. However, it can complicate the job of the dominatrix as the client can change roles abruptly without warning during play. 

So, lastly, for the beautiful vanillas out there gripping feverishly at the arms of their chair, wondering, what takes place, exactly, during a session–or “playtime”–with a dominatrix? Well, you closeted freaks, apparently the most-requested “scene” is that of foot or ass worship wherein the sub expresses their ardent devotion through certain behaviors engaging with said body parts. The second most-wanted activity is pegging. As Mistress Adreena puts it, “Now, everyone wants pegging. I categorize men into two factions: the ones who like it and the ones who haven’t tried it yet.” And, of course, tied for third are, naturally, being tied up, spanking, and the image commonly associated with BSDM, latex. 

I ask the women if their opinions of men have changed over the course of their careers. However, it seems to be the one constant: they have and always will love men. “People think we do this work because we hate men,” Mistress Adreena explains, “but do you think I would spend all of my time working with them and listening to their problems if I hated men?” They instead expertly grapple with the dichotomy few in our contemporary, media-fueled age are able to do. They passionately love men and still deeply believe in the pertinence of female agency both inside and outside of the dungeon. Both women tell me of the group chats in which all of the London dominatrixes support each other, a criticality especially as it can be an isolating profession that few truly understand. And Mistress Adreena even hosts One Night parties wherein women can explore their sexuality, feminity, and forge friendships absent of the male gaze. In a career where the kinkiest things one could readily imagine are just another day at the office, it is easy for the sociocultural narrative to be focused on BDSM’s hyper-sexuality. But the women behind the latex are, in fact, educated and multifaceted businesswomen. To negate such traits would be to illustrate a fragmentary picture of what it means to be a dominatrix. So next time you watch a film with a sultry woman in leather or meet in a pub with peeling red paint or hipster café, don’t you dare underestimate her, you bad, bad boy.